One day, after years upon years of staring through big, open windows, fantasizing about a life that I desperately wanted to be apart of…I woke up.
Of course, before waking up, I didn’t know that I was asleep. I thought that the imaginary world that I’d been living in was reality. I thought that my inability to flourish and grow and live into my dreams was simply because I was me. I had gone my whole life hiding. Everything that I did seemed to fail. No one was listening. I was the invisible girl desperately trying to be seen even just once, because for my whole life I had believed that I was a nobody. And as I tried to dig my fingers into new creative works (like blogging, life coaching, etc), I would be so sure in the beginning that I was making the right decisions, only to discover that again, I had gone down the path of fantasy land and all the while, forgotten to live.
At the age of twenty-eight while researching for a book I hoped to write, I discovered the truth quite by accident. I had always thought that something was severely wrong with me; that the reason why I felt so invisible, so incapable, and so unsure about everything in my life was because I had been cursed to exist within the person that I was born as. But as I researched, I began to put the pieces together. I began to see the puzzle that had once felt so dark in a new light. I was a victim of childhood trauma and it had shaken up my entire life.
Growing up emotionally neglected as my parents worked to care for my sister who had a host of mental illnesses at the time was severely damaging for me. It’s no wonder that I grew up believing that I wasn’t worth being seen or known or loved when I had lived my whole childhood believing that I was invisible.
And so it followed me.
Until the day that I woke up. On this day, the world seemed to break in half. So much unknown suddenly became known. So many questions about who I was and how I had ended up struggling so intrinsically with my identity became answered. And the answer was that nothing was wrong with me. I had gone through most of my life only daring to dream, but never daring to give that dream space to bloom. If you go eighty percent of your life believing that you don’t matter, it’s no surprise that you give up before you can even get started. I had been grieving a life that I desperately wanted without even taking the chance to watch it come to fruition.
Walking back and forth outside in the hot summer sun of 2019, I began to hungrily consume as much information about childhood trauma that I could through various podcasts and I worked to expand my mind in ways I had once believed impossible. New thoughts and ideas and worlds of possibilities began to find me and my world began to slowly mend itself as I pulled the pieces together again, one string at a time. The lie that I had believed was that I couldn’t change. Maybe you have heard it said before…that a person never really changes. I allowed myself to be a victim to that sentiment and truly believed that this was it for me. As a stay at home mom without a job and without a vision for her life, it seemed very likely that this truly was all there was for me. In truth, I wondered where I would have ended up had I not met my husband. Would I still be living with my parents living in a constant state of disbelief?
I had been fooled into thinking that I would be one way for the rest of my life but no more. Change found me in the unlikeliest of ways as I began to create my thoughts and thus change my results. I began to savor the simple moments, no longer living in survival mode, but rather, choosing to thrive. Where once I hid from the unknown and the possibility of failure, I now intentionally began to seek it out, exploring the myriad of opportunity that had previously been unknowingly within my grasp.
There’s a common belief that life is beyond our control. The belief that there’s very little that we can do to move forward as we become more and more of the person who hope to be. But what I have found to be true is that we are in control of substantially more than we allow ourselves to believe. Our stories are created by the thoughts we have around ourselves and the many circumstances that we face. We can go through the most devastating of experiences and rise above, but equally so, we can go through mundane scenarios and choose to stay in a state of autopilot, never truly existing. The choice is ours and will always be ours and in the end, we can stay staring out the window dreaming of a life we hope to one day be a part of, or we can open the door, step out into the fresh, golden sunlight and begin the walk to creating the life we once only saw through the other side of the glass pane.